Sunday, March 28, 2010

Little bit of everything

I'm just going to try and ramble. Get everything out. I did make sure to add "And More" to my blog title.

I suppose I should make sure to talk about my issues with ADD. I suppose that's why anyone would be reading this in the first place. I finally got to sit down with someone to look into perscribing me medication. After a few minutes of talking she decided to put me back on Adderal. I suppose this is a good choice, as I had used it before with good results. But I've also used it with negative results. Well, negative as in I didn't get anything done, nothing like side effects...

Anyways, she was suprised when I requested the extended release version of the medication. I guess people don't ask for it too often. But I can't even be bothered to remember the easiest of tasks in the first place, taking another pill during the day would be too much to remember.

I've been given 20 milagrams in the form of 2 10 Milligram pills to take each day when I wake up. She might have suggested to start with one, but of course I forgot to pay attention to this little detail. I'm pretty sure I paid for that the following day.

The following day I filled the perscription and popped two pills. Looking back on this, the amount of adderal I took normally was 1/4 of what I took just then, probably not the best of ideas. And then everything going on during the day just made things more hectic, and even worse.

My grandfather had just gone in for a stint, which then turned into that he needed a quad bypass and a new valve, which then turned into a total panic because he couldn't breath and he had to be sedated. From what I've found out now, everything that is being done to him is normal procedure, but the little information we were receiving was from drama queens, my grandmother especially.

Not only this, but a "friend" of mine made sure to send me a message informing me that he was being taken to the hospital for "suicidal thoughts". I say friend in that he was at one time, and after a small falling out that he was trying to mend the wound, I've gone into the mode that usually happens with everyone I get into any level of a spat with. I do everything in my power to cut off ties with that person, and if I cannot, I distance myself as much as possible.

I'll forget what makes me happy, before I fall asleep. But what you've done to hurt me, keeps me awake all night.

Honestly, the reasons behind me feeling this way with him are very petty. But that's just how I am. I am a special kind of fire starter. I don't create havoc, I burn the bridges surrounding me.

Back on track. For some reason, I actually gave a shit about this message. Or at least I did what maybe I felt my duty was? Honestly , I have no idea why I really cared about this, but I tried every method availabale to get in touch with him, including contacting a customer of mine that he is friends with, and I don't even really like this person. I wanted to say...

You're an idiot for going to the hospital for those kinds of reasons. If you job finds out that you have issues like that, they could fire you.

But I never got in touch with him. He sent a few messages to me mentioning what hospital he was at, but I couldn't find out anything after that. So, me being the friend I am I guess, I headed over to said hospital to find him.

He wasn't there. Nor was there any record of him. I waited around but eventually I had to go home. I found out later from him that he was taken to another hospital and his phone was taken away.

He stopped by my work the following day to talk. Going on about how he's hearing voices, painful memories is more like it, of old issues that are now gone and buried in my opinion. But as pitiful as it sounds, I couldn't find myself really caring. I guess I was on auto pilot to be there, sit and talk with him (I actually gave some good advice to him, at least I thought it was), however in the end I felt empty. Like I couldn't care if he wasn't there the next day, or if I was too.

He's been trying to come over the past few days, using the advice a therapist gave him to do things to fight against the evil memories of yesteryear. I've given excuses, and have yet to let him know that I, or my fiance, really want him around anymore.

I hate typing this, but I know I need to pour my thoughts out. I apologize to anyone reading this, as I know I'm rambling like crazy. And again, I've gone off the topic of why I felt that my medication was perhaps a bit too strong.

To sum it up, after getting back from the hospital empty handed, I met with my father and fiance for dinner. Mom wasn't around as she had taken a flight to see her father, thinking this may be her last chance to do so before he passed.

Now that most of the excitment had ended, I thought that maybe I would start to calm down. But it never happened. I was up until 3 AM, eyes wide staring at the ceiling. I'm not sure why it hit me so hard, but it seems like everything just combined and kept me up almost all night. It was crazy.

I've been testing taking 1 or 2 pills in the morning. But I can't really remember the difference of how well they worked. I really think I need a good night of sleep to fully feel the effects of the medicine, but I can't seem to get that lately. Perhaps the medication itself is doing that to me. I'll have to mention that to the doctor.

I want to keep typing, to talk about how depressed I feel right now. How I'm on the brink of crying again like I've been doing for days. But my attention is being drawn away, not sure what to, but I feel my mind wandering yet again. I'm going to try and end this with something I've been thinking about, I guess it would be a metaphor? I can never remember the definition of things, but you'll know what I mean...

A good example of how I sometimes feel, is that I'm drowning. I'm stuck in the ocean, gasping for air. Slowly, if I work hard at it, I start to get the strength to hoist myself up into a vessel and save myself. But before I can become completely safe, another wave crashes down upon me and I'm thrown from the boat back into the sea.

In my mind, I sometimes feel a great idea. Or maybe a great emotion, a thought, anything. It's something that my heart is saying "This is good for you Ryan, you can use this!", but before I can do anything about it, the rest of my mind washes it away.

*A song starts playing in my head
*Something catches my eye, reminding me of something else, which reminds me of something else, and so forth.
*ect, ect

It's never ending.

I'll finally end this with a lyric.

"The pain burns with lessons learned
The wound will close, the scar reminds... "

Thursday, March 11, 2010


This Tuesday I attended my first CHADD meeting. Most of the ideas and topics covered there I had already heard about, but it was really nice to see that I'm not the only one with this issue. I was however, the youngest one there I think.

Even more interesting is that a customer of mine was there. Didn't expect to see anyone I knew arrive.

I'm really upset that I have to wait so long to see someone. I'm still waiting on my appointment set for the 22nd, and I worry that they'll suggest other things before putting me back on medication. I fully want to do "other things" such as support groups (I hope to stick with CHADD) and see a therapist.

I hope that we can put me on the right meds, and I can start working towards my goals. I'm really frustrated with work. I know I can do most of what is asked of me, but for some reason I just never finish it. And it's like that even with things I love(d) to do!

I can understand a little aprehension at work, it's how life is (Unless you're a candy taste tester or something :-P) but it's rediculous. And now even my hobby of video games is going down too. I hardly ever finish any of the games I start. And just float between game to game, never finishing them. It's gotten to the point that I don't want to start anything, because I've either started it before, or I know I'll never finish it.

I've got to try harder. There's so much riding on me and I want to do better. Let's hope the 22nd goes well.


Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Finding a doctor sucks.

Finally came around to updating again, not at the best time however (work)

I've finally set myself on the idea of making an appointment to see a doctor to work with my ADD. I had done better with Adderol before, but never really kept up with it (or other medication they gave me).

I've called at least 10 doctors now. Most don't pick up, some do but have no appointments. I'm waiting on calls back from 2 and have an appointment at the end of this month, but it's a 45 mintue drive. It's a pain, I'm finally gathering up the strength to make the darn appointment and I'm being held back.

I hope when I find one that it goes well. I don't want to run in there saying "Give me drugs!" but I know I've reacted well with it. I want to see if I can't get on medication, and maybe find a group or something to go to. I guess. Not really sure what I want.

I've been trying to start new games to play lately, but I haven't bothered starting anything. Most games I start to play (or books to read, TV series to watch) I get part way through and stop. I've seen the beginning of too many games, books and movies to remember, and it's a pain trying to trudge through them again.

I'll stop now, just wanted to post a quickie. Later.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

First post, perhaps last

Welcome. I'm not sure just how long I'll be using this blog. Perhaps this may be the first and only entry.

I've been living with ADD for almost as long as I can remember. In 11th grade (9 years ago, phew!) I was diagnosed and perscribed medication. It worked pretty well, and I made vast improvement in my studies.

But after high school, college was another story. I guess without having someone there to make sure you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, I failed. Constantly. It's embarassing to say, but I've been going to the local community college for 8 years off and on, and still don't have even an AA.

I don't think I'm stupid (although for awhile I even thought I may have mild retardation), but I think I do have issues with ADD. I had gone off and on medication, trying to shy away from it. Maybe I just didn't want to take meds every day, or thought I could handle life without it. But without any kind of therapy, just cold turkey didn't help at all.

It's not just school, it's work. The worst part is, I'm typing this at work right now. I really have a hard time focusing on what needs to be done, and it's terrible because I know some things that need to be done right now. I'll make this quick and finish, but I needed to just work towards something I suppose.

I actually started reading a book last month. "Delivered to Distraction". When I started to read about the symptoms, and the stories about the people who have ADD, I couldn't ignore my issue any longer. I highly reccomend it to anyone who thinks they may have ADD, and to find out a way to improve their life.

I think the purpose of this blog is to not only vent about how I feel living with ADD, but to explain any progress I make. Even typing this entry in almost one sitting is an acheivement for me, usually I'll end up browsing some website (I browse alot). So I'm going to try and make updates whenever I can, documenting not only what I've done, but what needs to be done.

If anyone who has, or thinks they have ADD comes across this blog, please feel free to contribute! I'd love to talk to anyone living the same way I am.

Nice to meet you internets.