I'm just going to try and ramble. Get everything out. I did make sure to add "And More" to my blog title.
I suppose I should make sure to talk about my issues with ADD. I suppose that's why anyone would be reading this in the first place. I finally got to sit down with someone to look into perscribing me medication. After a few minutes of talking she decided to put me back on Adderal. I suppose this is a good choice, as I had used it before with good results. But I've also used it with negative results. Well, negative as in I didn't get anything done, nothing like side effects...
Anyways, she was suprised when I requested the extended release version of the medication. I guess people don't ask for it too often. But I can't even be bothered to remember the easiest of tasks in the first place, taking another pill during the day would be too much to remember.
I've been given 20 milagrams in the form of 2 10 Milligram pills to take each day when I wake up. She might have suggested to start with one, but of course I forgot to pay attention to this little detail. I'm pretty sure I paid for that the following day.
The following day I filled the perscription and popped two pills. Looking back on this, the amount of adderal I took normally was 1/4 of what I took just then, probably not the best of ideas. And then everything going on during the day just made things more hectic, and even worse.
My grandfather had just gone in for a stint, which then turned into that he needed a quad bypass and a new valve, which then turned into a total panic because he couldn't breath and he had to be sedated. From what I've found out now, everything that is being done to him is normal procedure, but the little information we were receiving was from drama queens, my grandmother especially.
Not only this, but a "friend" of mine made sure to send me a message informing me that he was being taken to the hospital for "suicidal thoughts". I say friend in that he was at one time, and after a small falling out that he was trying to mend the wound, I've gone into the mode that usually happens with everyone I get into any level of a spat with. I do everything in my power to cut off ties with that person, and if I cannot, I distance myself as much as possible.
I'll forget what makes me happy, before I fall asleep. But what you've done to hurt me, keeps me awake all night.
Honestly, the reasons behind me feeling this way with him are very petty. But that's just how I am. I am a special kind of fire starter. I don't create havoc, I burn the bridges surrounding me.
Back on track. For some reason, I actually gave a shit about this message. Or at least I did what maybe I felt my duty was? Honestly , I have no idea why I really cared about this, but I tried every method availabale to get in touch with him, including contacting a customer of mine that he is friends with, and I don't even really like this person. I wanted to say...
You're an idiot for going to the hospital for those kinds of reasons. If you job finds out that you have issues like that, they could fire you.
But I never got in touch with him. He sent a few messages to me mentioning what hospital he was at, but I couldn't find out anything after that. So, me being the friend I am I guess, I headed over to said hospital to find him.
He wasn't there. Nor was there any record of him. I waited around but eventually I had to go home. I found out later from him that he was taken to another hospital and his phone was taken away.
He stopped by my work the following day to talk. Going on about how he's hearing voices, painful memories is more like it, of old issues that are now gone and buried in my opinion. But as pitiful as it sounds, I couldn't find myself really caring. I guess I was on auto pilot to be there, sit and talk with him (I actually gave some good advice to him, at least I thought it was), however in the end I felt empty. Like I couldn't care if he wasn't there the next day, or if I was too.
He's been trying to come over the past few days, using the advice a therapist gave him to do things to fight against the evil memories of yesteryear. I've given excuses, and have yet to let him know that I, or my fiance, really want him around anymore.
I hate typing this, but I know I need to pour my thoughts out. I apologize to anyone reading this, as I know I'm rambling like crazy. And again, I've gone off the topic of why I felt that my medication was perhaps a bit too strong.
To sum it up, after getting back from the hospital empty handed, I met with my father and fiance for dinner. Mom wasn't around as she had taken a flight to see her father, thinking this may be her last chance to do so before he passed.
Now that most of the excitment had ended, I thought that maybe I would start to calm down. But it never happened. I was up until 3 AM, eyes wide staring at the ceiling. I'm not sure why it hit me so hard, but it seems like everything just combined and kept me up almost all night. It was crazy.
I've been testing taking 1 or 2 pills in the morning. But I can't really remember the difference of how well they worked. I really think I need a good night of sleep to fully feel the effects of the medicine, but I can't seem to get that lately. Perhaps the medication itself is doing that to me. I'll have to mention that to the doctor.
I want to keep typing, to talk about how depressed I feel right now. How I'm on the brink of crying again like I've been doing for days. But my attention is being drawn away, not sure what to, but I feel my mind wandering yet again. I'm going to try and end this with something I've been thinking about, I guess it would be a metaphor? I can never remember the definition of things, but you'll know what I mean...
A good example of how I sometimes feel, is that I'm drowning. I'm stuck in the ocean, gasping for air. Slowly, if I work hard at it, I start to get the strength to hoist myself up into a vessel and save myself. But before I can become completely safe, another wave crashes down upon me and I'm thrown from the boat back into the sea.
In my mind, I sometimes feel a great idea. Or maybe a great emotion, a thought, anything. It's something that my heart is saying "This is good for you Ryan, you can use this!", but before I can do anything about it, the rest of my mind washes it away.
*A song starts playing in my head
*Something catches my eye, reminding me of something else, which reminds me of something else, and so forth.
*ect, ect
It's never ending.
I'll finally end this with a lyric.
"The pain burns with lessons learned
The wound will close, the scar reminds... "
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